I want a reboot.

Sunday: Got stepped on eight times playing soccer but my team won!
Truck got broken into (AGAIN!) and wallet stolen 100 yards from where I was playing soccer.
But they didn’t steal my phone!
So, I canceled all my credit cards and jacked $100 out of my daughter’s wallet, which I will pay back, I SWEAR.
Watched Deadpool, which is a great film and a lot of fun!
Had a meeting with my mom, where she basically asked her children for money. Irony.
Had a great dinner at my sister’s house!
Stopped at the store and apparently my phone fell out of my jacket.
Got drunk and made an ass of myself!
I want a reboot of yesterday.
I want a reboot of this presidential race.
I want a reboot of this Premier League season. Qq

Arsenal’s long, slow Gerrarderry slip

Caution, John Terry In the hallway at work I have a constant reminder that John Terry and Steven Gerrard once slipped, fell, and lost their team a trophy. It’s a large yellow cone that says “Caution: wet floor” and several years ago I crossed out “wet floor” and wrote “John Terry”. I did that after John Terry slipped and fell with his penalty kick in the Champions League Final in 2008.   That joke lasted until 2014 when Steven Gerrard miscontrolled a simple pass, tried to recover, slipped, fell, and let Chelsea’s Demba Ba in on goal, where he scored, and thus prevented Liverpool from winning their first tile since the 90s. The problem is that every time I pass that cone, “Steven Gerrard” is calling out to me to cross his name off and put in “Arsenal FC.” Because if this season could be described with any metaphor it would be Continue reading "Arsenal’s long, slow Gerrarderry slip"

Arsenal show lack of leadership and organization in loss to Swansea

At my real job, twice a month, the entire staff convenes for an hour to talk about work. There is no set agenda and no one person takes charge of the meetings. Instead, we have rotating job duties: less than once a year, for a month, every staff member gets to be the one who sets the agenda. This results in my favorite moment of every month, the “I forgot we had a meeting and I’m in charge of the meetings, does anyone have an agenda item for this afternoon?” email. Oh yes, every month, on the first Tuesday, we get this email:
Staff 1 – Hey everyone, looks like I’m in charge of the staff meetings this month. Does anyone have any agenda items for today or should we just cancel?
Staff 2 – I need five minutes to tell everyone about this new portable walrus cleaning kit Continue reading "Arsenal show lack of leadership and organization in loss to Swansea"

Arsenal may need to buy 10 players this summer

My followers are largely in the positive camp. We all, to a person, respect and understand what Arsene Wenger has given our club. When he retires he won’t need a statue at Arsenal because the Emirates Stadium is the monument to his legacy. Wenger has consistently managed to keep Arsenal in the Champions League and as a result has also built up a massive cash reserve at Arsenal, £150,000,000. That’s an enormous sum. The Stadium only cost £390m to build, so, that cash reserve is 38% of the total cost of a new stadium. And that’s cash on hand before the season tickets are renewed and before the new TV deals are accounted for. Arsenal could have £200m easily this summer. And Arsenal are going to need that money because Arsenal are an ageing football club. Arsenal have eight players who are over 30: Rosicky (35), Arteta (33), Cech (33), Continue reading "Arsenal may need to buy 10 players this summer"

Arsenal: What We Do Is What We Do

What we do is what we do
It’s all the same, there’s nothing new
What we do is what we do
It’s turnin’ ’round on me and you
What we do is what we do
Just different names, it’s nothing new
What we do is what we do
‘Cause all we do is what we do Gamin’
infectin’ Eenie, meanie, meanie, meanie, minie, minie mo
The lucky ones are gonna be the first to go. -Devo “What We Do
I’ve been writing about Arsenal for eight years. And in that time, a type of comment has appeared in the comments section of almost every blog post after an Arsenal loss from here to Arseblog, and it goes something like
“More of the same from Arsene Wenger: irrationally placing his faith in weak players, who then put in an insipid performance in a
Utter chaos
Another angle
Continue reading "Arsenal: What We Do Is What We Do"

Barcelona, Leicester, Bayern: three times Rope-a-Dope champs

Seeing the muddy patches offered up by West Ham, Sunderland, Norwich, and Leicester, this morning I flew the confines of the Premier League and sought out greener pitches. In short, I watched Wolfsburg host Bayern Munich. It wasn’t my first ever Bundesliga match but I was reminded of the differences in playing style between the two leagues. Where the Premier League puts a premium on the “pace” (by which they mean “acceleration”) and “power” (by which they mean “physicality”) of the game, the Bundesliga seems to reward technique and discipline. One isn’t better than the other and no one is saying that the Premier League lacks talent or discipline or the Bundesliga lacks speed and power. The two leagues are simply slightly different. This is evident in the way games are refereed. We know factually that there are more fouls called in the Bundesliga than in the Premier League but Continue reading "Barcelona, Leicester, Bayern: three times Rope-a-Dope champs"

Arsenal announces latest financial results in sly manoeuvre to distract from football results

Well aware that football fans rarely talk about the actual football matches and would rather discuss ticket prices, kickoff times, sponsorship deals, television money, player transfers, UEFA corruption, FIFA corruption, the latest Oasis album, whether some player they have never seen play football would be a star, whither Arteta’s legs, if such and such blog is culturally relevant, banter, formations, tactics, twitter, fancy dress, betting, injuries, announced attendance, player’s wives, and “the good old days” when players took showers in the local hotel and rode the trains home with the fans, Multinational Multimedia Real Estate Development and Player Exchange Firm Arsenal (formerly Arsenal Football Club) sought to distract readers from a spate of poor results on the pitch and released their latest financial results. Here are the highlights.